[[ EPUB ]] ✸ It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle Author Mark Wolynn – Vejega.info

[[ EPUB ]] ✸ It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle Author Mark Wolynn – Vejega.info I thought when I started the book I would be giving itstars I m a school psychologist and a PREPaRE trainer school crisis work and do a lot of reading about trauma My orientation tends to bein the cognitive behavioral area however I deeply believe in the purpose of narrative in therapy and that how we tell our stories matters That being said, a lot of this book really got under my skin and made me say a psychologist should know better except Mark Wolynn is not a psychologis I thought when I started the book I would be giving itstars I m a school psychologist and a PREPaRE trainer school crisis work and do a lot of reading about trauma My orientation tends to bein the cognitive behavioral area however I deeply believe in the purpose of narrative in therapy and that how we tell our stories matters That being said, a lot of this book really got under my skin and made me say a psychologist should know better except Mark Wolynn is not a psychologist He does have a lot of training in a lot of areas, but this explains why a lot of his language in the book is pretty out of touch with current research and standards But, I ll get to that First what I liked about the book Intergenerational trauma and epigenetics are fascinating The explanation of the Yehuda studies is very solid and the cursory lit review is solid I wish there was a broader focus of mention of intergenerational trauam s impact on Communities of Color The questions to ask oneself about family trauma is great for people who are trying to understand their family history I d even encourage families to go deeper because systemic oppression, be it slavery, segregation, antisemitism, etc would be indicated to also impact epigenetics The first half is a great introduction for a layman or a professional looking to get a quick overview I love narrative things At my core I deeply love family systems therapy and understanding that because I work with teenagers I spend a lot of time with my students framing and re framing their own narratives to find resilience, agency, and empowerment And I found that while the questions may have been good overall, a lot of Wolynn s interpretations are judgmental as hell I notice this a lot in a specific type of self help books which is why I tend not to read them that are targeted at vulnerable populations no one talks about how abuse is different from conflict I recall a specific part where he characterized a sister using the term emotionally abusive as lacking compassion or being in pain and needing to basically get over that and use less judgmental language This was the first instance and there is no separation in his work from my parents were detached or cold and my parents were abusive and neglectful There is lip service paid to setting boundaries when it comes to emeshed relationships, but people who reject their parents apparently don t get to do that The heavy emphasis on reconciliation which needs to look a certain way bothered me deeply It is entirely possible for you to have compassion for the awful stuff in your family and not hold it tight and own it as yours and still decide that it is not healthy for you to have a relationship with the person who hurt you It s charitably clueless and at worse gaslighting Also how he orders and presents his case study examples is disorganized overall and feels cherry picked Another note, if I had to read onebit overemphasizing mother as primary caregiver whose disrupted bonds ruin us I was going to throw an attachment theory book at him Attachment literature tends to use the language of primary caregiver and recognize the expansive family systems that may exist We can have different attachments to different people It is possible that if you are not securely attached to your mom that you will be securely attached elsewhere depending on the health of the system He often sounds like someone who read a lot of early psychodynamic work but didn t keep current with it Psychodynamic s most important contribution, I would argue, is that what happens to you in the past and in your family s past matters Also, some of his examples of epigenetics are not epigenetics Based on my understanding, which is imperfect, an uncle dying at a certain point would not maybe influence genetics though it influences the family system Maybe because of his training or experiences, Wolynn doesn t know how to differentiate these Read the first few chapters, look up the Yehuda studies Your narrative and what you do with them is valid We are impacted by what happened in our families before us, as well as by society around us But you do not have to reconcile or forgive or heal that relationship if it doesn t feel safe for you This book has the distinction of being among the few I have not finished I tried I really did But I can t keep going with this nonsense It starts out all scientific with genetics, but quickly veers into woo woo territory Look, if blaming your problems on some unknown trauma that happened to your grandmother helps you move on, great It s barely better than past life regression bullshit But, the authors insistence on reconciling with parents is frankly, toxic, especially to victims of abuse This book has the distinction of being among the few I have not finished I tried I really did But I can t keep going with this nonsense It starts out all scientific with genetics, but quickly veers into woo woo territory Look, if blaming your problems on some unknown trauma that happened to your grandmother helps you move on, great It s barely better than past life regression bullshit But, the authors insistence on reconciling with parents is frankly, toxic, especially to victims of abuse No book self help or otherwise should so strongly suggest that children reestablish contact with their parents A parent child relationship if severed is done so for a good reason and after much consideration and effort towards other solutions Toxic individuals are best left out of the healing process. This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers To view it, click here There are some useful pieces of information in this book, but the majority of it is pseudoscience The author points to empirical evidence in support of his assertions that are either not empirical at all, or that conclude something not quite relevant for the author s assertion I would sum up the useful information this way 1 Your parents weren t perfect, no one s were perfect 2 They had trauma and difficulties when they were growing up as well, and they probably unintentionally passed There are some useful pieces of information in this book, but the majority of it is pseudoscience The author points to empirical evidence in support of his assertions that are either not empirical at all, or that conclude something not quite relevant for the author s assertion I would sum up the useful information this way 1 Your parents weren t perfect, no one s were perfect 2 They had trauma and difficulties when they were growing up as well, and they probably unintentionally passed their crap down when raising you because they didn t know any better 3 Forgive them, not for them but for you 4 If you visit a therapist and don t feel at least some relief after several sessions, try a different therapist.5 You have to do homework to resolve your issues, it doesn t come from outside Here is where I have some real issues with the book 1 The Jungian theories about inherited memories are not well supported I completely buy that some major trauma that happened 3 generations ago is still probably having an effect on my family, but not because our genes carry the memory forward Instead, it is the behavioral and emotional response that the people in the family exhibit that passes down the effect 2 Saying that one is afraid of, say, suddenly freezing to death starting at age 19, is genetically encoded is just kooky Additionally, if we buy the premise that it is genetically encoded, just understanding that you only have the phobia because your great uncle froze to death when he was 19 even though you were unaware of this occurrence will not make your genetically encoded phobia disappear This argument makes no sense at all If it were true then one would expect that an understanding that your chronic depression is likely a result of too little serotonin your brain should be sufficient without any other treatment to make the depression disappear 3 Phobias, anger, depression, mental illness of all sorts require treatment, from real experts You cannot read a book and resolve these issues on your own Even if the book contains evidence based exercises as this book does that can be helpful, you still need a person skilled in therapy to walk you through.4 Forgiving your parents for their abuse, neglect, failings,etc is not the same as building a new relationship with your parents I think the author is just not communicating this well I truly can t fathom that the author would suggest a woman build a new relationship with a father that sexually abused her, and start hanging out with him as if nothing happened That would be insane You can forgive without letting an abusive person back into your life You can understand why a person might have acted without accepting the excuse and absolving them of guilt 5 My biggest problem with this book is that the author pretends to have based all of this on legitimate psychological research, well established principles that all psychologists know, but are inexplicably keeping from you Trauma recovery is not easy, mental health recovery and treatment are not easy, none of this is simple, but the author wants you to believe it is The author oversimplifies and makes unfounded, unscientific extrapolations on the current science behind epigenetic inheritance Dr Yehuda, who is doing a lot of important and fascinating work in the field of genetics, had certain papers that the author of this book points out were labeled as controversial And then he sides with Dr Yehuda s hypothesis and conclusions without a true scientific eye for why the conclusions haven t been widely applied small sample sizes, manipulated p values T The author oversimplifies and makes unfounded, unscientific extrapolations on the current science behind epigenetic inheritance Dr Yehuda, who is doing a lot of important and fascinating work in the field of genetics, had certain papers that the author of this book points out were labeled as controversial And then he sides with Dr Yehuda s hypothesis and conclusions without a true scientific eye for why the conclusions haven t been widely applied small sample sizes, manipulated p values Then, what really bothered me was that after all this discussion of genetics, the rest of the book seemed to come as a non sequitur there was very little to no discussion, let alone citations for, the vastlyimportant environmental influences and generational repercussions of having a crappy parent It was all anecdotal stories of clients the author saw who magically developed mental health troubles at the same time as certain terrible events in their family s past FYI, your DNA doesn t track this stuff a point not emphasized by the author His interpretations of these stories and the application of them were horoscope like in nature Leos have a tendency to overdramatize Okay sure but lots of people who aren t Leos do also Such and such patient said she was scared she was going to die, surprisingly at the same age that such and such relative died she has never considered the connection before and got totally better as soon as she made that connection SIGH Additionally, I found the author s attitude towards damaged relationships with parents harmful and as a dangerous door towards exposing oneself toharm at the hands of an abusive parent Overall an incredibly disappointing book I would love to read an incisive book about epigenetic trauma because there is still so little known about the subject This book just didn t cut it for me The first red flag was when the author wanted the reader to believe that someone experienced residual trauma because an uncle not even a direct patrilineal carrier of their DNA froze to death Logistically that doesn t make sense wasn t even true epigenetics More self help and pseudoscience than edifying There were some interesting sto I would love to read an incisive book about epigenetic trauma because there is still so little known about the subject This book just didn t cut it for me The first red flag was when the author wanted the reader to believe that someone experienced residual trauma because an uncle not even a direct patrilineal carrier of their DNA froze to death Logistically that doesn t make sense wasn t even true epigenetics More self help and pseudoscience than edifying There were some interesting stories but ultimately this book did not live up to its thesis A Groundbreaking Approach To Transforming Traumatic Legacies Passed Down In Families Over Generations, By An Acclaimed Expert In The Field Depression Anxiety Chronic Pain Phobias Obsessive Thoughts The Evidence Is Compelling The Roots Of These Difficulties May Not Reside In Our Immediate Life Experience Or In Chemical Imbalances In Our Brains But In The Lives Of Our Parents, Grandparents, And Even Great Grandparents The Latest Scientific Research, Now Making Headlines, Supports What Many Have Long Intuited That Traumatic Experience Can Be Passed Down Through Generations It Didn T Start With You Builds On The Work Of Leading Experts In Post Traumatic Stress, Including Mount Sinai School Of Medicine Neuroscientist Rachel Yehuda And Psychiatrist Bessel Van Der Kolk, Author Of The Body Keeps The Score Even If The Person Who Suffered The Original Trauma Has Died, Or The Story Has Been Forgotten Or Silenced, Memory And Feelings Can Live On These Emotional Legacies Are Often Hidden, Encoded In Everything From Gene Expression To Everyday Language, And They Play A Far Greater Role In Our Emotional And Physical Health Than Has Ever Before Been Understood As A Pioneer In The Field Of Inherited Family Trauma, Mark Wolynn Has Worked With Individuals And Groups On A Therapeutic Level For Over Twenty Years It Didn T Start With You Offers A Pragmatic And Prescriptive Guide To His Method, The Core Language Approach Diagnostic Self Inventories Provide A Way To Uncover The Fears And Anxieties Conveyed Through Everyday Words, Behaviors, And Physical Symptoms Techniques For Developing A Genogram Or Extended Family Tree Create A Map Of Experiences Going Back Through The Generations And Visualization, Active Imagination, And Direct Dialogue Create Pathways To Reconnection, Integration, And Reclaiming Life And Health It Didn T Start With You Is A Transformative Approach To Resolving Longstanding Difficulties That In Many Cases, Traditional Therapy, Drugs, Or Other Interventions Have Not Had The Capacity To Touch I do think the author was too forgiving even dismissive of abuse, and parts of the book felt kind of new agey or otherwise hard to believe, but it gave me some things to think about. A fascinating in depth look at inherited family trauma Mark Wolynn is the Director of the Family Constellation Institute, where he and his colleagues delve into 3 and 4th generational family issues to help heal or resolve trauma that does not have an immediate understandable cause He believes that we all have a core language that we unconsciously use to speak of our deepest fears i.e., I don t deserve to live , I ll never be good enough , etc that may have been used by a previous family A fascinating in depth look at inherited family trauma Mark Wolynn is the Director of the Family Constellation Institute, where he and his colleagues delve into 3 and 4th generational family issues to help heal or resolve trauma that does not have an immediate understandable cause He believes that we all have a core language that we unconsciously use to speak of our deepest fears i.e., I don t deserve to live , I ll never be good enough , etc that may have been used by a previous family member a mother or father, most likely, but also a grandparent or other relative who s been traumatized Wolynn believes that this language is the key to resolving these family issues, especially if the trauma has never been brought up in a family of origin For instance, if a mother had a miscarriage or stillborn death in the family and never spoke of it again to her next born daughter, that daughter may one day carry the guilt and shame of being invisible , just like her long lost sibling was The best piece I took away from this book was that the individuals who suffered the most from this inherited family trauma came from ancestors who NEVER spoke of the trauma, except in bits and pieces that most likely terrified the young child who heard of the family lore that never got resolved Wolynn s whole practice is dedicated to helping make these familial connections to trauma to help individuals let go of the anxiety, depression, or suicidal guilt that may actually have little to do with their own traumatic events Wolynn is convinced that reconciliation with these family members, especially estranged parents, is the key to helping adults resolve their problems.One caveat I wish deeply he would have covered is a family history of sexual abuse He covers almost every other area murders in the family, alcoholism, etc, but how do you reconcile with a parent or parents who sexually abused and manipulated you Especially if sexual abuse runs for several generations, as it often does Unfortunately, he doesn t cover this topic in the book, which is a shame Because I believe there are ways to come to deep compassion and forgiveness to help an individual let go of their trauma that was inflicted on them by their parents so that they don t have to repeat the abuse.Overall, this book is recommended for counselors, and those individuals who ve suffered trauma that they cannot easily find cause for I think I would have liked this book a lothad the author beeninterested in the spiritual and moral bent that occurs in people through the actions of their ancestors than in psychological speculations about entanglement between minds and an inherited unconscious memory of the lives and sufferings of one s ancestors and those who interacted with them in momentous ways To be sure,than most people I am deeply interested in ancestral traumas 1 , and have a full store of ones from I think I would have liked this book a lothad the author beeninterested in the spiritual and moral bent that occurs in people through the actions of their ancestors than in psychological speculations about entanglement between minds and an inherited unconscious memory of the lives and sufferings of one s ancestors and those who interacted with them in momentous ways To be sure,than most people I am deeply interested in ancestral traumas 1 , and have a full store of ones from my own life to deal with as well, so this is a book it would likely be natural for me to read and to generally appreciate despite my own reservations about the author s focus on Freudian and Jungian psychological constructs It is likely that many readers will find at least some comfort in this book, and I think that given its therapeutic value and obvious insight it is worthy of considerable patience for the worldview of its writer which I have some issue with Whether or not all readers are as generous is something that such readers will have to decide on for themselves.This book of a bitthan 200 pages is divided into fourteen chapters and some supplementary material in three parts After an introductory discussion about the secret language of fear, the first part of the book looks at the web of family trauma, with discussions of traumas lost and found 1 , a discussion of three generations of shared family history 2 , a thesis of the purported existence of a family mind 3 , an introduction to the core language approach that gives clues to the origin of the trauma 4 , and a discussion of four unconscious themes 5 After that there are four chapters that deal with the core language map including the core complaint 6 of someone suffering, some core descripters of that complaint 7 , the core sentence that expresses the central concern of the complaint 8 , and the core trauma that reverberates through the generations 9 The third and final part of the book provides a some pathways to reconnection that give some help to readers in moving from insight to integration 10 , discovering the core language of separation 11 , relationships 12 , and success 13 as well as grasping the medicine of core language in healing 14 After this the book contains acknowledgements and a glossary as well as a list of family history and early trauma questions in two appendices.There is a web of different discussions going on here For example, there tends to be a nonphysical I would consider it spiritual, but the author considers it psychological result of people s deeds that reverberate through generations We are shaped by the decisions and experiences of those who came before us for better and for worse, and to the extent that we are aware of these connections and the history of which we are a part, we can act in appropriate ways to release ourselves from the burden of responsibility for having created that tie or that pull or that warp within our natures and we can take on the responsibility that is ours to live as best as we can Whatever one thinks about the Oedipal nature of much of what the author has to say, reconciling with the past and with our parents and other relatives and recognizing the way that their struggles live on in us is sound advice so that we do not be caught by a past that we are ignorant of or hostile to, but have come to terms with and deal with as much acceptance as we can muster by the grace of God 1 See, for example

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